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peace and love

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(Don't Cry)

[19 Jun 2010|07:08pm]
[ mood | happy ]

We got older, but we're still young, we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up.

Summer, sun, lifeguarding, Boston, boyfriend, love, tanktops, flip flops, bottled water, long hair, white teeth, making money, spending money, Blackberry, black eyeliner, love, pretty dresses, endless books, polar bears, snuggin, warm nights, beach, sunburn, love.

(Don't Cry)

[05 Mar 2010|11:46pm]
[ mood | happy ]

See ya never, New Years resolution. I haven't been this happy since the Gregory days. I want to take back all of the wasted "I love you's" from the Nathan, Craig, and Supervisor days. They were all happy and nice and fun in their own rights, but they were nothing like this. He's 500 miles away and I wouldn't want to be with any other boy in the world. Things are more than good.

(1 Tears Fall Anyway | Don't Cry)

[03 Feb 2010|12:48am]
When you think things are too good to be true, you're usually right.

P.S. It's not about Grady, he's perfect.

(Don't Cry)

[27 Jan 2010|04:19pm]
[ mood | happy ]

My resolution for 2010 was going to be to not fall in love. I've had lots of love in my past. There is a fine line between lust and like and I have found that I quite often mix the two up. I spent so much time wanting to be in love with Supervisor, but it never felt right. I always felt like I was lying to myself a little bit, but I kept repeating it trying to convince myself. We weren't good for each other. And I know that now, but it was fun then, so it made more sense to love him if he loved me than to not love him even though he loved me. And now. I'm not trying to say I'm in love, but it seems to be the final destination of the path I'm on right now. I sent a drunk message last night telling him how important he is to me and how I'm so scared that he's finally going to realize how great he is and not want to be with me anymore. Well I woke up to a package he had sent me on Monday with his hoodie and his tshirt (both of which smell like him), 3 different kinds of gum because Citrusmint is impossible to find now, a mix CD, and a note reminding me of how much he likes me. It may not be love, but it's something good and warm and happy and fuzzy and I'm going to the make the long distance work because he's worth it.

(1 Tears Fall Anyway | Don't Cry)

[26 Jan 2010|11:36am]
[ mood | calm ]

Everything is surreal. One minute I'm so happy and the next I'm so upset. We got our new pledges and, as usual, we have a handful of cute girls, but the majority are the under the radar, sorta cute (but not really) kinds of girls. Rush is so superficial and my house and my pledge class are full of beautiful girls and I don't understand what exactly others can't see in that. And now I'm pledge mom and I have to swallow my pride and love them anyway, but it's so strange to love something you don't think is deserving of you. School is overwhelming and great and I missed the green of Tulane campus and it's been mid 60s all week and last week it was mid 70s and it's pure lovers weather and if only Grady were here with me, too.

Happy. At least for the moment.

(Don't Cry)

[03 Jan 2010|03:33pm]
[ mood | happy ]

It just feels good to recap the year. A review of 2009 [summaries of the first entry of every month]:

JANUARY: 2008 was a good year. I wouldn't call it great, but it was definitely a good year
FEBRUARY: It's lover's weather outside. 74 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. All I want to do it go to the levee with a strawberry daiquiri and play in the lover's weather.
MARCH: I write entries all the time and then delete them right before I hit "Post." I'm not sure why, but nothing that I write really seems important
APRIL: Robbie just walked by me in the library.
MAY: Sophomore year is almost over and it's so heartbreaking. I've become addicted to Tulane. I've realized that no matter who I kiss for the night, it always comes back to Jeff. Always.
JUNE: I just reread the poem that Gregory wrote me two years ago. It made me feel sad, but not in the way that you'd normally think. It made me feel sad that he went out of his way to write me a poem, to do something creative, something I wasn't expecting, and now it's all over. I don't think anyone has ever done anything as romantic for me.
JULY: Every summer is different.
AUGUST: My world feels like it's wrapped in a sunshine-y hug and I'd prefer for it to always feel this way.
SEPTEMBER: Greece is excitingscaryfunoverwhelming. I'm anxious a lot, but I'm hoping it will fade. I miss my Supervisor and snuggling and kisses, but I'm trying to be a big girl.
OCTOBER: No entries.
NOVEMBER: I just don't want to talk about love anymore. Nothing's wrong...in fact, everything is right. Love just seems so irrelevant right now.
DECEMBER: I'm lying in bed and I'm kind of really drunk right now, but I'm wearing Grady's shirt and I never wrote about Grady, but he's everything that I should want in a boy.

New Years Eve in Boston was one of the best ideas I've ever had. 3 days of Grady and kisses and being happy and pushing my hair out of the way and waking up next to each other and smiling and kissing at midnight and it was exactly what I needed to have to start 2010 the right way.

2009 was a really really good year. Memorable boys with memorable kisses [Jeff, Zach, Supervisor, Grady]. New best friends and old best friends. Adventures all over Europe. Falling in and out of love. Lifeguard tans and polar bears and skydiving and saying goodbye to being a teenager. I hope 2010 is as good and as memorable as 2009 was. I don't think I really realized how much I enjoyed 2009 until I wrote all of this out.

(Don't Cry)

[02 Nov 2009|11:03pm]
[ mood | confused ]

"You're going to meet the most extraordinary men, the sexiest, brightest, funniest men, and you're going to fall in love with so many of them, and you won't know until the end of your life who your greatest friends were or your greatest love was." - Milk

I just don't want to talk about love anymore. Nothing's wrong...in fact, everything is right. Love just seems so irrelevant right now.

(Don't Cry)

[26 Sep 2009|05:20pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

So we just got back from Crete. It was very reminiscent of the Israel days when we were up wicked early every day and fall asleep during every video and every time we got on the bus.

Anyway, I had lots of time to think. And I was thinking about love, mostly because Supervisor made me a playlist and I listened to it pretty much all week. Here are my thoughts:

I have been in love twice. Gregory and Supervisor. They were polar opposite kinds of love, however. Greg is the kind of boy who I could see myself falling in love with. He made sense. He was clean cut, all American, polite, adorable, and an all around good kid. I felt safe and comfortable and infinitely happy with him. When we fought, we could have killed each other, but it was a fierce kind of love. On the other hand, I didn't mean to fall in love with Supervisor. He's not what I need and we have wildly different backgrounds. However, we have very similar core personalities: childish, spontaneous, daring, a little bit rebellious. With him I felt like every day was a new adventure. Everything was so unpredictable, a little bit dangerous, but I felt like he'd always protect me, no matter what. Both were summer loves, which always feel the most intense kind of loves.

Falling in love with Greg was more of a natural progression. It started off slow, tentative, nervous. With Supervisor, it was we both fell fast and hard. It was more of an intense love in some ways and more of a silly love in some ways. Parts of me will always love Gregory and parts of me will always (and still very much do) love Supervisor.

I was trying to figure out where Nathan fit into all of this. I always thought he'd be my first love. But I don't think it was love. I think it was more of an intense infatuation. When I think of Gregory, I think of how happy I was ALL the time with him. When we fought, we'd scream and get mad and be kissing 15 minutes later. With Nathan, there was always more tears than necessary and I was so willing to change who I was to make him happy. In the end, I think I was too young and dumb to love Nathan.

So that's my love. And it's very much still real and alive and current and I'm wondering how to make sense of it all and I'm just not sure. Love with Supervisor is impossible, but still happening as we speak. I talk to him almost every day, and on the days that I don't, we email back and forth. He's currently planning his Mardi Gras week with me. I'm terrified to love him, but I do it all the same.

(Don't Cry)

[15 Sep 2009|11:47am]
Ok, I'm better now. Promise.

(Don't Cry)

[15 Sep 2009|01:04am]
[ mood | sad ]

I know I'm supposed to be having this amazing, awesome, once in a lifetime adventure right now, but I'm hurting on the inside. Like, this weekend was really fun and I have good days and bad days, but there are moments like right now when all I can think about is the summer. And it's like a bunch of my roomies have a countdown until the day we leave [because they're excited to go back to their boyfriends], but I have no idea what things will be like for me in December and I kind always thought a little bit that things work out for a reason, but I'm wondering the reason as to why I would fall in love and then have it end. We talk all the time and it's like when I get back in December, we'll have a couple weeks (if he's still into me) and then I go back to Tulane. I'm so homesick for July all over again and I'm pretty sure I haven't felt this way since Greg and it hurts and it's not fair and I don't know how to deal with it properly in a new country with new friends and a new life. Every lyric to the song "Home" by Michael Buble applies to me right now. I don't want to be crying, because I can acknowledge how lucky I am and I don't want to be that kind of girl, but there are tears and that makes it so frustrating which pretty much makes me cry harder. I wish I was stronger than this.

(4 Tears Fall Anyway | Don't Cry)

[08 Sep 2009|12:10pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I fell asleep last night hoping that I wouldn't dream of anything (please don't respond saying that everyone dreams every night. I'm a psych major...I know). I was just having a sad day and lately I've been having dreams of Tulane or sorority or things that I miss, so I was really hoping to not have to wake up and deal with my dreams.

So in a fun, cruel trick of dreamworld, I alternated ALL NIGHT between dreams of Craig, Supervisor, and Nathan. And not even in the fun kind of way. No, I dreamed of all of them in the "getting back together, going on dates" kind of way. I'M STRESSED ENOUGH, I DON'T NEED THIS. And thennn, to top it all of, I woke up and put my iTunes on shuffle and The Spill Canvas comes up. Cute joke.

No point to this entry.

(5 Tears Fall Anyway | Don't Cry)

[06 Sep 2009|07:15pm]
I haven't done an LJ cut in like 4 yearsCollapse )

(1 Tears Fall Anyway | Don't Cry)

[01 Sep 2009|09:41pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Check me out on Tumblr: http://itsallgreektome.tumblr.com/

Greece is excitingscaryfunoverwhelming. I'm anxious a lot, but I'm hoping it will fade. I miss my Supervisor and snuggling and kisses, but I'm trying to be a big girl. I'm hoping this all turns out to be one, big adventure.

But really...I'm scared.

(Don't Cry)

[27 Aug 2009|05:18pm]
[ mood | happy ]

3 days. 72 hours from now I will be on a plane going to Athens, Greece. I wish things with Supervisor didn't have to end. No more constant texting, no more nights wrapped up in his covers with him, no more kisses. But, for what it was worth, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Yesterday we went skydiving. We jumped out of a plane at 12,000 feet in the air, fell through the air in freefall for 60 seconds at 110 mph, then drifted down to the ground with a parachute. I've never done anything so cool in my entire life. Then he threw me a mini birthday party and got me a T-Rex pinata and filled it with Starburst, Skittles, and nips of Jose Cuervo tequila. I couldn't ask for a better 20th birthday.

(3 Tears Fall Anyway | Don't Cry)

[21 Aug 2009|04:22pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

I always hate when summer begins to end.

"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of life in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity, and, in a flash, they're gone." - The Notebook

I'm not good at saying goodbye and I'm even worse at broken hearts. It seemed as if everything this summer was gradually and then suddenly. May feels like forever ago in some ways, but yesterday in others. I turn 20 in 5 days. I'm really unexcited. My birthday signifies the end of summer. I need another month. I'm wildly unprepared for everything that will happen in the next 10 days.

(Don't Cry)

[02 Aug 2009|09:04pm]
[ mood | happy ]

My world feels like it's wrapped in a sunshine-y hug and I'd prefer for it to always feel this way.

(Don't Cry)

[24 Jun 2009|02:20am]
[ mood | tired ]

When I can't sleep at night, I re-read my Twilight books. I'm so jealous of Edward and Bella and it makes me angry that now Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson are now dating. Part of me understands that they should be together in real life because their love story is so great, but the other part of me can't help but wonder why the fuck I don't get a love story like that...minus the vampires.

Clearly I need a life. And sleeping pills.

(Don't Cry)

[17 May 2009|01:06pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm acting like a brat and I want to stop, but I'm just so snarky. Yep...snarky.

I may be going down to West Hartford area-ish later this week and I want to take my dad's car and he won't let me [even though I offered to do chores that I'd normally never do]. And now I'm just whining about my car in general and I hear how spoiled I sound, but I just can't stop. At least we're doing it in a joking way, not in the way that usually happens: I beg, parents say no, I cry, whine, leave the room angry, and then don't come out of my room for a few hours. I'm so impatient.

Adam: Are u alive?
Me: Barely. Trumbull has already eaten my soul.

(Don't Cry)

[04 May 2009|11:10pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

Sophomore year is almost over and it's so heartbreaking. I've become addicted to Tulane. I love New Orleans despite the dirtiness and crime rates and humidity. I can't believe that come Saturday, when I leave here, I won't be back for 9 months. I've rocked my finals..so far, anyway. I love feeling like my intelligence is actually paying off. I'm one paper away from being halfway done with college and I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life.

Psychology major, definitely. I need to decide if I want to keep political science as a second major or drop it into a minor. I'm really good at psychology. I don't know if it's because I'm actually good at psych, or I'm just good at Tulane's version of psychology. Law school or grad school? I wonder where I'll end up. My mom told me today that I'd make a great guidance counselor, but a) you make no money and b) when I think of guidance counselors, I think of THS guidance and what a joke that was. I don't want to be as worthless as they were. I want to make a difference. Psychiatry is out the question...med school is a never. But maybe a psychologist? I don't want to spend my life defending my career choice, though. Maybe I want to work with adolescents. And it's kind of funny, because striving to achieve wealth, regardless if you obtain it or not, is negatively correlated with happiness.

I'm not scared that I don't know what to do. I feel like it will just kind of come to me.

I've realized that no matter who I kiss for the night, it always comes back to Jeff. Always. And part of me doesn't want it to, but the other part of me is OK with that. I'm wearing his shirt right now. KJ is in love with me. Teplin loves kissing me, but he loves kissing all the other girls in his life, too. Regardless, he was a fabulous formal date - even better than Jeff would have been, I think. You know how Cosmo (and every other girl magazine) tells you every issue that you won't believe that someone thinks you're beautiful until you believe you're beautiful? That's my problem right now. I've had people tell me I'm beautiful and it always feels good, but I never really believe them. I think it stems from my fucked up love life. Parts of this year were mistakes, but parts of it were all right. I've learned more about myself this year; more self control, more discipline, more class. I'm growing up.

Tequila tomorrow. Cinco de Drinko Your Face Off-O!

(2 Tears Fall Anyway | Don't Cry)

[24 Apr 2009|08:42pm]
[ mood | happy ]

"Won't you think I'm pretty while I'm standing top the bright lit city"

Jeff. Teplin. KJ. Jeff. Teplin. KJ. In no particular order. My life is a whirlwind and I'm so tired and I just want to go to Happy Hour, but I'm being a good student and getting work done. SDT Formal tomorrow night with Teplin. I know it's going to be so much fun, but Jeff will be there too and he called me out on how awkward it will inevitably be because he'll be with a date and I'll be with a date. Don't you love that feeling when someone new and random and fun comes into your life and texts you just because you're on his mind? Bax asked me if I was starting to like him and I said it was pretty much irrelevant because I'm going home in 2 weeks [!!!!] and I'll be in Athens next semester and she said that it was a perfect situation. But there's just so much and the weather has been so nice and lovers-y and I just want to play outside at all times but I'm going to end this semester by kicking ass.

Last night I invited KJ over, but I texted him right before he was about to leave his room and told him that it wasn't a booty call so he shouldn't get his hopes up. We ended up talking for 2 hours and then making out for an hour and it was so hot and so worth going to bed at 3:30 and so sober and rawrrrr.

I've never read the book, but I like the quote: "Things fall apart so that other things can fall together." So much psychology to read and I'm procrastinating and I'm in a good mood and the other day, I was bored in class and happened to have my laptop with me [which I never bring for this very reason], so I read through my old Word documents that I wrote during and after the Butterfly Summer and they were so full of love and I was happy to read them, not sad like I usually get.

I want to improve my vocabulary. I love being a tour guide. Responsibility is overrated.

"And I'll take your hand and pick you up and keep you there so you can see it."

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