So we just got back from Crete. It was very reminiscent of the Israel days when we were up wicked early every day and fall asleep during every video and every time we got on the bus.
Anyway, I had lots of time to think. And I was thinking about love, mostly because Supervisor made me a playlist and I listened to it pretty much all week. Here are my thoughts:
I have been in love twice. Gregory and Supervisor. They were polar opposite kinds of love, however. Greg is the kind of boy who I could see myself falling in love with. He made sense. He was clean cut, all American, polite, adorable, and an all around good kid. I felt safe and comfortable and infinitely happy with him. When we fought, we could have killed each other, but it was a fierce kind of love. On the other hand, I didn't mean to fall in love with Supervisor. He's not what I need and we have wildly different backgrounds. However, we have very similar core personalities: childish, spontaneous, daring, a little bit rebellious. With him I felt like every day was a new adventure. Everything was so unpredictable, a little bit dangerous, but I felt like he'd always protect me, no matter what. Both were summer loves, which always feel the most intense kind of loves.
Falling in love with Greg was more of a natural progression. It started off slow, tentative, nervous. With Supervisor, it was we both fell fast and hard. It was more of an intense love in some ways and more of a silly love in some ways. Parts of me will always love Gregory and parts of me will always (and still very much do) love Supervisor.
I was trying to figure out where Nathan fit into all of this. I always thought he'd be my first love. But I don't think it was love. I think it was more of an intense infatuation. When I think of Gregory, I think of how happy I was ALL the time with him. When we fought, we'd scream and get mad and be kissing 15 minutes later. With Nathan, there was always more tears than necessary and I was so willing to change who I was to make him happy. In the end, I think I was too young and dumb to love Nathan.
So that's my love. And it's very much still real and alive and current and I'm wondering how to make sense of it all and I'm just not sure. Love with Supervisor is impossible, but still happening as we speak. I talk to him almost every day, and on the days that I don't, we email back and forth. He's currently planning his Mardi Gras week with me. I'm terrified to love him, but I do it all the same.